How to break the barrier and talk about the elephant in the room in your relationships?

How often have you felt uncomfortable talking about the big elephant in the room with your spouse, parents or with anybody close to you? It is easier to ignore the elephant in the room than to break the silence and talk about the issue most of the time, isn’t it? Have you ever thought about why it is difficult to do that rather than just get it over with. Let us see what happens to your relationship when the elephant in the room is either addressed or not.

What forms the base of a relationship?

One of the reasons why most relationships fail or they don’t get to the place where there is love overflowing, full understanding and harmony is because of lack of communication. Communication forms the base of any relationship. Constant conversations lead to a great rapport, developing trust and clearing misunderstandings thereby leading to a great relationship.

In a relationship where there is a struggle, a challenge or not so cordial connection there could be so many small issues which leads to a fight or misunderstanding. But if you dig deep into it, it is not the small fights that is the challenge- it is the deeper emotions they are experiencing behind these fights that is causing the pain. Underneath the small fight lies a big elephant that no one is willing to have a conversation about. We keep ignoring those small issues which one day leads to something big.

It is a slow poison!

Both the parties are aware there is a deeper issue but when both are not willing to confront the truth, not willing to see the reality they tend to procrastinate addressing the issue.Ignoring the real issue, acting, managing as though there is no issue. I am sure a lot of us have felt this and thought talking about the issue would somehow ruin the remaining part of the relationship. We do it to feel safe in the present moment, worried what might be the outcome and fear the unknown but this in the long run derails the relationship. It is like slow poison, has a mild impact now but can kill the relationship.

Why do we even do this?

The habit of not discussing the big problem is something we could have developed unconsciously from childhood. If our parents did not discuss things openly and as a child you were not given the freedom of expression then we grow up not expressing. When things are tough, just brush it under the carpet and move on- as days and months move by things will become easier is the thought process most of us have. You, through experience can realise that is not the truth.

When the elephant in the room is not handled what happens is, we start showing our frustrations even on the smallest of things. The reason for what you are fighting can be so trivial when others see it from the outside but only the people who are fighting will know how intense their emotions are. It is because of the built up emotions over a period of time and also because of the unprocessed, incomplete feeling happening feeds the elephant in the room.

So what needs to be done about the elephant, how can I get rid of it?

As long as the elephant is there in the room, imagine the kind of energy drain which the family undergoes. Not only the couple or relationship but the parents, children and all present will get impacted by it even if they are not aware of the details. Like how a real elephant needs so much food everyday, the unresolved and unspoken problem has so much negative energy and it keeps feeding from you regularly.

First is to come to terms with the problem that is deep inside affecting you and your relationship and acknowledge the elephant in the room, both mentally and emotionally. Once you have acknowledged it don’t wait for your partner to get into realisation; evolve to understand. Find the right time, create a supportive ambience and have a conversation. Express yourself fully and share how you are feeling and why you are not okay with ignoring or avoiding the elephant anymore. Share how the elephant is impacting your life and what kind of corrections each of you have to make to get to the level you want. Having this conversation would free you up and so you would carry lesser emotional baggage. Your heart feels lighter and so does your relationship.

The next big challenge most people face is to expect the other person to fully accept or acknowledge the points discussed. You both may or may not come to a point of total acceptance but it makes the other person in your relationship to know how you feel about things and your thought process.Discussing the problem is the first step into making the basis of your relationship stronger. Do not expect things to change overnight. Remember it is the first step and clearing out the baggage does make the heart a better place for your relationship to thrive.

Acknowledge the little positive changes…

Decide to have regular conversations about the issue , be open and express fully. Acknowledge any progress even if it is one step in the right direction.Wishing you the best in resolving your big elephant.